Washington D.C. - Mitch McKonnel, formerly rumored shapeshifting Turtle from another dimension, was found inhaling illegal earthworms from the heart of Djibouti in a bathroom. A janitor, who wishes to go by the name Gunther Ramos III, found Sen. McKonnel midway through an afternoon snack stating, "It was... it was horrendous! Handfuls of earthworms being stuffed into that snout. and the mask... the pale ... pasty .. heartless mask... just laying on the floor. I mean it wasn't much of a secret to begin with... but damn.., at least wait until you are home man!" The confirmation of McKonnel's status as an inter-dimensional testudinidea shocked literally no one.
President Blidden (rumored Martian drone) noted, "Yup. Now you know the extent of what we are dealing with. I remember one time going... anyways. Just make sure he gets those earthworms. Otherwise he gets a bit cranky. You ever seen a snapping turtle snap off a man's hand from 10 feet away? Well I... Oh, hi Mark." On the other side of the aisle, Juan Thunne, Senate BDSM specialist, noted, "You know, there is nothing quite like working with such a diverse group of folks. I have a testudinidea-based world view. And I don't ever ...EVER apologize for that. Folks who have a righteous love for shelled creatures who can live in both water and land shouldn't shy way from it."
The Blue Ass party had other thoughts. Chuckie Schoemaker, noting the historical privelage held by turtles stated, "We have always had three branches of government. We have had a house. We have had a senate. And we have always had an inter-dimensional turtle aiding in running things. It is time for some new species."
Life outside the political circus went on as usual. One suspiciously androgynous entity on 4th street in Reno Ne-vah-da, sporting a grease stained poncho, a pink sombrero, and smelling like big foot's second cousin noted, "Well, I guess it just goes to show ya. In times like these.... in which the bourgeoisie has had to find new, perhaps not new, but updated methods for extracting capital from the swarming greased-up masses of the proletariate a snack is certainly necessary."
Those representing the Tea Leaf party failed to comment on the matter.
Reporter: Chaucer McGee
*Refined historical first name
*Tits McGee last name
**Any similarity to real-world people is Tooooootally coincidental. Just another glitch in the matrix if you ask us. As a matter of fact, we need your help to repair the matrix to its former state and granduer. Click here to watch a short video on how you can do the only thing that can save us. Be our Obi-Wan (kinky, we know)***
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