Indianapolis, India- Several members of the super secretive "Gang of Elite 8"in the NCAA have supposedly [indubitably] leaked a document to the press positing that President Blidden is in fact a Martian Drone. Although the traditional media is claiming that such an indictment is near-treason, the population at large has been sarcastically feigning shock since the revelation hit the air waves. Sassy street performer "Gold Baton" from New Orleans Twatted "Like O👏M👏G👏! A martian Drone-ski. No one saw that coming 🙄" Despite relating the the incident at hand, Gold Baton faced major backlash by people claiming a prejudiced use of the yellow hand clap emoji: "All digital hand colors are important indicators of one's identity. And surely "Gold Baton" does not identify as a yellow hand person in real life..." wrote Sandy-Michael-One-Luv (he/she/they/it/mystic mage level 69) professor of Elite Social Justice at Affogado University. Officials relating to the semi-accidental leak had other things to say.
NCAA president Marquell Emmert (a less than opaque colored man) held a press conference stating, "NEET NEET NEEEET NEET NNNNEEEEET! Neet!!! Neet Neet?" which for those of you whom do not speak the Martian tongue means "We the beings of Mars claim President Blidden as our own. We apologize for the lag. We plan to connect him to interplanetary Blue-tooth next week."
Critics of Blidden have noted the signs of lag in their speech and actions. "He just looks like he don't know what is going on. If X was gonna give it to him he aint know which way to look for it. Ya mean?" noted Jebediah Isiah Jones (the local pizza delivery person). Close friends and family members of "X" declined commenting on them matter. His former publicist noted, "Woof woof woof ... GRRRRR" Scientists around the globe have taken an interests in the comments.
Gerald Mcbummel, lead scientist at the Flattened Atlantic Pink Pancake Earth Regiment (FAPPER), wrote on Twatter, "This is a new era! An era to proove once and for all that Earth is not only flat, but also pink and edible. What a time to be alive! Thank you martian overlords!" It seems it is not all bad news after all. Grab you plate, form, and the finest maple syrup you can afford and lets dig in!
Author: Seymour Buttes
* Not butts ... buttes
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**Any similarity to real-world people is Tooooootally coincidental. Just another glitch in the matrix if you ask us. As a matter of fact, we need your help to repair the matrix to its former state and granduer. Click here to watch a short video on how you can do the only thing that can save us. Be our Obi-Wan (kinky, we know)***
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